End of Fantasy

Do what you want they* tell you. How does life stop being a stereotype? Are we relegated to being just another 'brick in the wall'? Can't we take delight in just being 'normal'? Why is the inner world so dissociated from the outer world, that we cannot realize everything is exactly as we experience it, and nothing else?

God doesn't matter. You are truly and fully responsible for all your actions. In a small way, the state of the world is my own making. Non reversible, not recoverable. Is that a bit scary? Either you do a thing, or you don't. The statement 'I could have ..' is moot.

I am writing exactly the kind of post I never thought I would.

I can see the whole world working, every incident opening the possibility of myriad others, only waiting for me to choose one. But will anything be different whatever I choose? Isn't it all circles ending at the same predefined course of my life? Will I be happier? Happiness can be synthesized, its a mind state. The only things stopping everyone from being happy is a) competition with neighbors, and b) non self actualization. Temporary happiness doesn't require much, and its probably the only true happiness.

JEE, CAT, is anyone even thinking? High schoolers don't have any idea what engg is, undergrads have no idea what management is.

Its so easy to let the crowd make your decisions. Easy to behave as you are expected to behave. So tough to remain proactive when you are on a different route. But why should you be on a different route? A person doing correct things unconsciously is happier than a conscious person unable to do the correct things.

Is there such a thing as 'your calling'? The concept is almost as ridiculous as a soulmate(You might guess I don't like Paulo Coelho). It feels like a mirage we like to believe in to make excuses for our less than perfect present with hopes of a more perfect future.

You are what you are. This is what it is.

Plus two

This is a topic I have long procrastinated posting, three years to be exact. I cannot be sure what exactly has kept me, lack of enthusiasm, lazyness, 'guts' or whatever. But it might just be the most controversial topic to be raised yet, but probably I am just overreacting, and anyways the blog has hardly any readers.

Well I think every IIT 'qualifier' has a story to tell, some words of wisdom to depart, except me. I truly admire people who have had to switch cities, adopt a totally new lifestyle, broaden their horizons, and gruel for two(or more) whole years preparing for the venerable exam. But first things first. How/Why did I decide to give the JEE?

It was almost an automatic decision. It was love at first sight when I saw my first computer, in class II probably, at a friend's house, and I used to be pampered and allowed to play Alladin, Prince, Wolfenstein 3d hours on end. Taking up medicine was out of the question, and that doesn't leave much left. (The blunder of taking Electical as a major, is quite another story.) It must be noted that I havn't ever had the habit of working for stuff I want, but given the ambience of the period, there was little else you could do. I still consider two years for any one exam a very silly affair, specially since everyone almost unanimously says they didn't do anything while in 11th; which might be an unfaithful answer, but thats not the point.

And so we joined FIITJEE, which meant we got to just go to a nice AC room(where we were delivered by a chartered auto), get (arguably)good education and ready made study packages, all in the name of preparing for the career. Of course the whole group at school was together there too, which resulted in regular hilarious lunch breaks(at someone's expense), not to discredit the lectures, which were equally jovial.

I run the risk of portraying myself as a arrogant slob, when I say I never considered JEE tough. In fact, one of my main motivations for preparing was actually to prove it, to flout the 'toughness'. And I still believe it. JEE is more of a hype created by training institutes than anything else. So its give by 300k people, but out of those less than 50k should even be considered as fair competition. I think if its just qualifying you are after, it should be breakfast. The main challenge is getting a proper rank. Its like people are making an effort to be stupid.

There are I would say are two defects which barr me from being the perfect candidate for JEE. One, my laziness, and two, I have a really pathetic memory, specially for numerical figures. However, these were resolved quite conveniently and automatically. One of the recurring features of the two years was my talking on the phone for hours solving people's doubts and clarifying concepts. Some of these concepts being which I had not read and hence I would ask them to explain to me first before solving the questions. This took care of my complacency delightfully, as I would always be in the know of the tougher questions and at least upto date with whatever others had studied. The problem of memory is more interesting. I am simply unable to memorise formulas or methods, and hence I had to understand the proofs and workings, making sure I found it obvious to proceed in the particular way. Although this hasn't been so successful in college, it always worked like a charm at the time, IIT being tailored with questions relating to proofs and concepts.

It did not dawn upon me until the very end the implications of being unselected, I always considered a done and out deal. The realisation came at the very end, I expect the period was after boards and before the exam, a good time to have your pants on fire.

An underrated attribute of the whole preparation phase is the importance of confidence. Confidence that you can solve a problem. That the question was made by a human, and it is meant to be solved, not handed down by some divinity and only to be touched by the gifted. This paranoia effects more people than you expect, some very good minds faltering just because of the destruction of their self-confidence.

Anyway what I pride myself of the period more than anything, is not falling for any of the foolhardy hypes or fads. It is actually intriguing to see folks just whiling away time in anonymous pursuits and then considering themselves not good enough for the exam. Well, in a way its true. Also, (and this is true for college as well, however here I find myself in the foolhardy category)another hilarious statement you get to hear is "If I study that much, I will be a lot more ahead." Right, really smart.

The German Misadventure-1

Well it really has been a long time since I posted. I don't seem to recall my last post-it might very well have been about my last intern, but I'm feeling too lazy to check.

Anyway, to be honest, this post doesnt have much to do with a sudden reawakening of my desire to be part of the blogosphere again. The thing is, I haven't made any real human contact in like 3 days. It is finally starting to get on my nerves.

But first, about the place. What strikes you first, more than anything else, is that Germany is ordered-almost frighteningly so. You know how in India the cars at a traffic light(if there is one) always stick fender-to-fender? Well in this town at least, they seem to unerringly maintain a distance of at least 1 m. They never deviate, not even in the middle of the day during office hours.

That experience might of course be different in some other town. My town, Aachen, is a relatively small town, things would probably be different in Berlin or Frankfurt.

The people are unhealthily polite. I've been 'hallo'-ed by perfect strangers not just inside my dorm, but also on the road, in the station, in the airport and of course in the university. And its not as if they want to start a conversation or anything- most of them either can't speak in English, or are uncomfortable speaking it.

Now I had the misfortune of being alloted a single room, with my own kitchen. Also, I can login to my university's lab from my room, so I don't really have to move out of my room. Add to that the fact the net is incredibly fast here and you can download anything you want, its amazing I've even stepped out of my room. But then, as I have come to realize, one does eventually need to talk to people.

There are of course those who have come here on an intern of their own. 2 others from my college, some assorted people from NITs, and one guy from IIT B. Anyway, I didn't exactly hit it off with them, despite my best efforts, so this weekend I found myself opting out of a trip to Paris with them and staying home sitting on my ass.

As I said, I haven't had any human contact in 3 days...since people can cook their meals in their rooms, they dont have to step out at all, and they don't. Its becoming so annoying that I probably will have to go to work tomorrow, and make friends with the rest of the guys.

There have been some benefits- I have learnt the rudiments of cooking and I have seen several good looking girls-good looking not just by iit standards, but generally, and of course this has forced me to start innovating to find things to do-which I believe is a good thing, however depressing it might be.

I hope to make a trip to Brussels next weekend, but I can't be sure. Expect my next post soon!

Bangaluru week 1

So an year after Rahul romping his curls on the streets of this maddu-land, I find myself banished to the same fate, albiet without the curls. As expected, the first week was a hotch potch of over-charging auto drivers, dosa-sambhar, catching wrong buses and dosa-sambhar again. (Btw, you really feel the power of cultural segregations on a southie trip, all the advertisements you can see only have Deekipa Padukone, Madhavan+Vidya Balan, or Asin. Its literally scary to imagine if suddenly the Tamils declare a fatwa against all outsiders while ur there. Sheer numbers matter) Currently, we happen to be in search of safe havens where the white-collars hang out. MG road has been rumored to be one, (our office is its wrong end, so havnt been there yet), and Forum confirmed as.

Some facts to be noted:
1) All north-indian eating joints(dhabas) are punjabi house.
2) MacDonalds is cheaper here.
3) The buses actually have the front seats reserved for women, as the well-informed ladies are quick to point out, which makes you imagine a (very-successful) ad campaign by the government (sporting a very forward feminist lead) to sensitise the women of the facility.
4) Some buses have tickets, some have bills, some have neither. And the rate differs between them. The ticketless being the cheapest.
5) Bangalore is big, bigger than Delhi maybe. You end up spending 3 hours in buses if your not careful.
6) Locals can't multi-task, never. Its fruitless to ask an attendant a question while he's in the middle of billing a customer.
7) When ur taking an auto, the driver is doing you a favor.
8) Autos won't get a passanger back from your destination, never mind that its 8 pm and ur going to a hustling market place.

Anyway, the post can't be complete without mentioning the workplace. Its cool, a cafeteria, flexible work hours, high speed net, no strict supervision, doesn't take much to make us happy. Video conferencing company == cool big screens in office. PtbN, lunch makes you sleepy. Coffee half an hour later must.

We got a house, yay, we rented a flat to stay. 6 of us, 6 of us two floors up, ruchus all around. Getting in the cooking atmosphere, starting with sandwiches, maggi, french toast, tea. The bathroom tap makes an eiree noise. TV is a ban. Especially when theres an IPL match everyday and your not the biggest fan.

What else? Went to Nandi hills, Lumbini Gardens on the weekend. Timepass places, won't specially recommend to anybody, but Bangalore doesn't seem to offer much else. Learned a few planning and money managing tips from veterans.

Now to the end, I am wondering why I wrote this blog. Well, we were supposed to maintain a diary, maybe this will do?

PS: Beru, brokerage, research papers

Of Indecision and the rat race

Havnt felt more like a rat ever. The sense of anonymity dawns upon you as you move through the myriad lanes and side streets to reach your destination, one of the dozens of coaching institutes for CAT in the locality, basically folks banking on a rat's hopes to leave the pack behind, by a little leg up. Its basically the rats in the middle of the race who treasure the bait, folks ahead can have a clearer vision about the scenario, the destination, while folks at the tail can look at other avenues and easily slide off. It's the rats in the middle who find it impossible to dislodge, stuck in a loop, unable to race out, or fall back.

So how did I land into this? How do I find myself yet again, looking at a classroom of 30 youths having paid a small fortune of their parents, to listen to a guy who's just found a way to survive the economy crack? Its indecision, I tell you. The way Indians are brought up, is not to leave anything be, not to take decisions with uncertain outcomes. Not to ratify your realm, and stay put. A greedy algorithm, if you will, for all the cs grads there. You take whatever looks the best at the moment, without looking at all the previous dots connecting your life.

Now for thoughts ravishing my mind this afternoon -

Its sunny today, not hot, but warm, the beautiful weather as you would say. Its reflecting on all the faces, which I silently gaze as I sit on the embankments in front of the coffee shop, waiting for a friend. People hanging out in groups, chatting off before heading off their ways, Profs students alike, everyone with bags. A dog on the sidelines playing with a polythene. Its amazing to think that each of this chappies, just another conscious individual, houses a infinum of space between his/her ears. A million simultaneous, unrelated thoughts raging inside each mind, each his own problems, each his own ambitions, or the lack of. Language, that indispensable link for us to communicate and correlate those thoughts. The improper use of(it can be heard). Everyone is a single entity in essence, yet when we see outside ourselves, we see a hierarchy, a society.

People seem busy, everyone moving with a certainty of knowing what needs to be done. Yet its amazing, for all the advances of ours, we ourselves remain temporary, a piece of a wave on the sea shore coming in, just to be replaced by another in a moment. So how can we be busy? Or we need to be busy to avoid thinking about all such nonsense. Homework needs to be done, classes slept though, events attended. As would be done by the next wave, and the next. As I gaze longer, a shadow begins to appear around people's eyes, or it was there all the time, and I just begun to notice it. A lingering giveaway of a late bedtime, a sign of tiredness, weariness with it all.

Why are people following through? Its indecision, I tell you.

Ghajini

Spilling it while its hot. Here's a too-good-to-believe value deal. Give 5 minutes to read this, and save yourself three hours of the crucifying existence that is Ghajini.
Having loved momento, I was prepared not to be dazzled, but rather curious of the Hindi(rather Malayalam/Tamil/) take on it. I was however left quite appalled. I think the director was confused on what to shower his epsilon sized concentration on, a love story, an action thriller, larger than life altruistic humans, a brother of devil villain, or Aamir Khan's shiny new eight-pack. The movie tries to bring everything, excellence(in any) is a word unheard of. Just touch all famous formulas, and it can't go wrong eh? Well, it can, if you try.

The plot is all too predictive, so are the dialogues. Actually the predictability becomes amusing sometimes, but only when you have already given up hope.
The abstruse depiction of 'short term memory loss' phenomenon(mouthed lavishly by Pradeep Rawat(the villain)) to suit convenience is a gross headache. The memory lasts as long as the scene requires, and loss-moments occur at the most predictive locales. Probably which you already saw in the trailers. The director is just confused whether he is dealing with short-term or long-term memory loss, as when the bad guys beat up our hero and erase his markings(ooopss!! just spoiled a plot point for you), he doesn't remember anything of his romance(which happened well before the incident which took his memory). Hey, but the courtship is well documented in his diaries so not to worry. Our hero is just as pumped up after reading the heart warming diaries. No mention whether he remembered anything of before his hormones kicked in. Also a maniac, animus instinct for howling, muscle flexing and eye popping action seems to accompany this brain handicap.

Action scenes are run-of-the-mill Mithun-da wannabe. All accompanied with a constipated grumble on Aamir Khan's face, every indication that someone slept on the wrong side of bed. A little inspiration from Rajnikant might just have saved the film. Really.

Some things seemed on the right track, the stuff Bollywood excels in. A love story(rich guy, not so girl), a rotten-to-core-with-no-hope-of-redemption villain and the typical bubbly the-world-is-so-beautiful every-mothers-dream-daughter heroine accompanied with the so-not-possible-situational humor. But only to end this delusion, the story-writer decided more ingredients were required to make a really spicy treat so in comes a social cause, full with the coverings of IBN live. The casual attempt of sudden inclusion of real life issues with too-reel story just leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Not to mention a god-so-nosy medical student who one wonders wither came from.

Even the camera angles seem wrong(not in the flashbacks, Bwood has learned that by now). All low cameras with hardly an overhead shot of the famous moon cut, as if the glare off it would ruin the film. Seriously, this was a huge disappointment from an Aamir Khan movie. Its I suppose become the top grosser of 2008(in one week). At least the marketing team seems to be getting the act together, what with the Khan himself offering haircuts for people to save Rs10 for that extra popcorn.

Was I too rough? Maybe, but I haven't blogged in a while, so quit complaining.

Geeky Abstract Thinking

(What's engaging my mind...please don't hate me)

Have you considered the colors you see might not be the ones the next guy does? Blue might be green and green red. Color is just the processing of wavelengths of light by the mind, with no chance of knowing differences between individuals anytime in life.

I don't understand why astronomers search for 'earth-like' planets for chance of life. Life is just universe complexity gone berserk, it might need carbon(for the complex structures), but otherwise temperature and chemicals on earth shouldn't have much significance. Consider, if earth had no floral population, would we have ever imagined life in the form of a tree? (By definition, life is something which has the ability to reproduce)
This would lead on to the consideration how rare 'intelligent' life would be even among lifeforms.

Language has a profound, too profound an effect on our thinking. Analysis of an object is mightily facilitated just by giving it a name. Else, much of the thought process is limited. Indians are surrounded by relatives, hence have developed an assortment of different names to cope with every shade of it. Eskimos similarly, have many names for snow.

Why is there technological advancement? Its obvious technology does not result in greater happiness. Happiness relates to not our convenience, affluence, but to our expectations. If telephone was never invented, we would be just as happy without a cell phone in our pockets. Exploration and achievement, looks more like a basic ingrained requirement of the human mind, driving our science forward.

Why does science follow mathematical laws? Why can an equation represent a trajectory of an object? The shape of a curve? Maybe human intuition(==maths), is itself shaped by the continual observation of these phenomenon. Hence what we call logic, is itself the basic playground of nature.

A really geeky one. A charged object moving in a magnetic force needs to have a force applied to keep it in uniform speed. While the magnetic force may be just permanent magnets with no expenditure of energy. See the absurdity? It could have been the other way.

How can two objects, inanimate, kept at a distance, exactly apply forces on each other??(Gravitation, electromagnetic) One of the fundamental things teaching children at a too young an age keeps them from seeing the wonder of. How can waves travel in space, void? I can understand the equations, the E and M fields dancing, enforcing one another, but that's it. Qualitatively its a mystery.

If you could develop an exact clone of yourself, complete with all experiences, memories and your sense of self, would you leave him in your place when you die? You could be immortal this way, but you yourself, would be dead.

Family is a concept, one of the oldest and most ingrained concepts in animals. Marriage is a concept.

'Friend', 'Internet', 'Success' are just words, a collection of alphabets. Its amazing how feelings and ideas have become interwined with such constructs. Its an interesting experience to think of the concept without the associated lingo, what it represents.


....maybe I will detail on some of these later.....